Wednesday, April 1, 2009
♥ A Sudden Thought
Whoa.. How long has it been since i've last written in you bloggie. *pats* Have you missed my blabberings in you ? Well , i kind of miss it.. thus i'm now writting in you.. And it's almost 5am now and i'm still quite awake. Haven't been able to sleep well for the past few nights. Probably due to the pain and everything that's been stressing my mind. I've tried to release those tensions.. And even by showing attitude problems to Shawn himself. I felt bad of course.. I didn't really want to do that.. But everything's going wrong for me and it's hard for me to do this all by myself. It's really hard, so hard that i can barely breathe.
Went for therapy during my last off day and the outcome wasn't in my favor at all. I'm rather shocked to hear what my doctor had to say, but i have to accept the fact.. unwillingly.. for the fact is there. Like always, the truth always hurts. Thats why i'm trying very hard to pursue all my goals right now. Been browsing thru sites on Korea.. I've always wanted to visit that place .. to experience life over there.. to work, to live .. Since i barely have any time left.. I have to achieve my goals. It's rather late to start planning now, But i have no choice.. My calender will have to stop in short years to come.. and before i finally perish .. i wanna fulfill my dreams.
Things have been going smoothly for me and shawn, till like two days ago, i blew up and showed him attitude though i've tried hard not to show any frustration but i guess i still blew it up. It's really unfair to him and i know that i'm at fault .. i don't know anymore.. It's almost been a year since we both were together and though for a month we went our own way, but in the end we still got back together.. and i was really thankful..
Haven't talked to him much .. ever since monday when he came and bought food for me yet i lost myself and blew up at him. I must have hurt him bad. But alas , things can never be undone. I've thought about my actions and i kind of laughed at myself for being so childish and silly. Frankly speaking , I really don't know what i want anymore. It seems almost a dream that i'm living and i'm really tired of all the things.. everything .. simply..
He asked me whether i need him to send me back home earlier today, but i told him it's ok and that i can simply take a train back home. Reached home took a bath was getting ready for bed and that awful pain came again. Frustrated really .. rolled all over my bed till like now.. and i'm still awake. I'm sick of this really .. zzzzz
I guess i need a 2nd job other than the cyber cafe job. I need to plan fast, to save fast and to go fast. Since i can't sleep at night because of the stupid unbearable pains , i might as well used the time that i stayed up to earn for extra income. Macdonalds will be a good choice, i've already asked about the job earlier on when i came home from work. Probably i'll receive news from them soon. Extra income finally ..
Family . personal .. all these stuffs crashing upon me. How long can i tolerate this i wonder. I've almost used up all my strength .. but still i need to move on. Time is precious for everyone.. But right now it's even more precious than ever for me.. Since it won't stop for me, i gotta hold on to it and run with it till it finally stop.
Blabbering so much rubbish now, i guess it's time to sign off. Good night bloggie .. Love ya
It's as if the whole world's crashing upon me,
Barely breathing, barely thinking,
Is it so hard just not to think of anything and live simply,
I guess it doesnt apply to me.
Because of all these , i've learnt to acknowledge the fact that not everyone is mend to be perfect,
But still i dreamed about it.
And the more i dreamed, the more i realised that it's not really meant to be that way.
Finally i realised how silly i have been, How much time i've wasted.
The fact hurts like always, and without hurting i wouldn't have grown that much.
Denying facts won't help this i know,
But still , i can't help dreaming..
can't help falling ...
can't help drowning..
can't help sinking...
4:55:00 AM
