Friday, January 2, 2009

Finally another year has passed and it's 2009 now. The first day of the year luckily falls on my off day and of course i spent the day with my buei buei.. But i guess i slept a little too much or something.. cause by the time i woke up its already 6pm+ and of course.. Buei buei has been paitently waiting for me to come by he's house.

Unfortunately we weren't able to catch the show "Twilight" because i overslept and there were no more showings available in the cinema except at Chua Chu Kang.. And because it's far so we decided to drop the idea and instead we went to toa payoh to have a sumptous meal that consists of BBQ chicken Wings, Satay and The famous hokkien mee thats definately the best of the best you can find in the whole of singapore. Was really statisfied after our meals..because all the food were really delicious .. Followed by dota session at novena.. my workplace.. and we played a couple of rounds.. Was really happy till i kinda blow up and got angry with one of our friends that was also playing in the same game as us .. and things got pretty ugly .. Because both of us were mad and we're also clearly losing in that particular game. I got scolded by my buei buei of course.. That even though he clearly have done some stupid mistakes.. But i shouldnt go as far as to scold him that much and shout at him.. Well, I know i'm wrong about that.. but .. I just couldnt control... At that time .. I believe my buei buei already trying to tolerate me and just play on instead.. We lost that round of course.. and we played another two games and headed home..
It was pretty cold on the way back.. But of course, i didnt feel that cold because buei buei brought along he's wind breaker and i'm wearing it. But on the other hand, he had to actually endure the cold and sent me home.. I felt like removing the jacket and put it on him instead, but i don't dare to move too much, afraid that i'll cause trouble instead.. and i know he would want me to wear it instead. So i just used both my hands and tried to make him feel not that cold.. But i know it's not really useful...
He suddenly said to me when we were almost reaching my place that he hopes that i will not smoke for the whole day tomorrow.. I promised him that and then i asked him if i can smoke the day after.. He said i can .. But only one. I wanted to tease and bargained with him.. "how about 2" .. He said "No.. Only 1.. you and your stupid ego... 1 is already alot.. Dont come lying to me saying that you'll quit when you cant even do that." .. Of course.. i wanted to defend myself.. and i said .. Those smokers normally can smoke up to 10 sticks per day .. I'm already doing my best and only 2 per day.." I admit i'm being stubborn by saying so.. But hes face turned black and said , "Theres no such thing as that ok.. Either you smoke one or next time you dont come talk to me..." I was upset .. really upset .. at hearing something like this.. And i know he's upset too.. I didnt really talk about that.. Just remove the wind breaker .. and hand it to him .. and went home.. without giving him the usual good night kiss.. and of course.. i didnt get any from him too .. I felt really upset bloggie.. I know .. that it's for my own good that he insist on me doing exactly as what i'm told.. But i just don't know why i talk back to him. With no good night kiss from him.. I couldnt fall asleep.. as tired as i was.. I tried calling him.. wanting to tell him i'm serious .. and i'm really serious about quitting smoking.. and i'll do exactly as what he says .. as long as he's happy .. but he didn't pick up my call.. no matter how many times i tried to call him.. he still didn't pick up.. Heart immediately shrunk to the bottom.. He's angry .. he's mad .. and maybe he doesn't want to see me again.. Because of this .. Because of my stupid smoking habit.. He ignored me..

He doesn't believe that i'll change.. I'll quit smoking.. He doubted that i'll change for him.. And i've already started to get used to not smoking once in awhile.. I used to smoke so much more.. in the past compared to now.. But .. He's not statisfied.. He once said to me that i can smoke .. But not that much .. and try to quit.. But i'm trying.. really trying my best.. I didnt smoke at all today .. Not a single stick .. and i believe that soon i'll really be able to stop smoking completely.. But .. he doesn't have faith in me.. don't believe that i can actually change for him.. when i've already did so many changes that he hopes for me to do. I'm not trying to say thats he's demanding.. Well.. maybe a little.. and sometimes i can really hardly breathe when i'm with him.. i admit.. but i still wanna be with him.. i don't wanna give up.. I'm trying my best.. to do whatever that he wants.. I just need him to believe in me.. and don't use those offensive words.. on me.. It's not entirely he's fault.. sometimes i know i'm being unreasonable and stubborn too.. and he's tolerated me alot.. all these i know.. But.. sigh .. never mind .. *pats bloggie* .. you know .. people say .. New Year brings Good luck .. but clearly .. This is not good at all.. It's not what i want .. I want both me and buei buei to be good throughout this year.. and yet.. Perhaps he's right.. Me and my stupid ego .. perhaps i should just vanish .. just disappear.. and just stay quiet.. like i did last time when i'm all alone.. Perhaps it's better.. at least i wont bring that much suffering to people around me..
Tomorrow .. I doubt he'll come .. I believe .. he's totally giving up on me now.. But i asked for it.. if only i had not talk back to him earlier on.. But whats done been done.. I cant do anything now .. I really regret .. and i'm really sorry.. But it's no use now right ? .. No use now... Surprisingly ... for the first time .. i really feel i'm a really terrible girl.. I should be alone .. really alone.. I mustn't be selfish .. i'll just .. let things be .. and free shawn of he's agony of being with me.. I don't want him to feel all sad and angry when there's so many stuffs troubling him on he's mind.. I'll retreat myself .. so long as he's fine and happy .. i will retreat.
Happy New Year Bloggie.. 2009 .. time is passing so fast huh .. I hope it'll pass even faster.. i just wanna do my part as a big sister in my family now .. and the rest.. i'll just let nature takes its own course.. No longer want to trouble anyone.. It's enough .. clearly enough...