Thursday, October 16, 2008

Impossible.. I couldn't believe my eyes .. I knew i wasn't feeling well at all these few weeks, and i thought it's normal because i'm always like that. Getting feverish all of a sudden but after resting all will be fine again. But not this time..not today...

Was feeling rather drowsy when i woke up preparing to go for work today. Feeling damn feverish inside, i still forced myself to wake up and prepare for work. Went out of home and suddenly started coughing non stop. Feeling drowsy i decided to take a cab to work instead of walking to the station like i normally did.

Reached my workplace and did the usual cleaning ups and stuffs. Was in the room tidying up the place when the first wave of attack came. Suddenly felt drowsy and almost collapsed but i held onto the partition for support. "Wow.. It's been quite a while since i'm like this" i said to myself and picked myself up again & continued to tidy up the room. Because my throat really hurts i drank plenty of water hoping that it'll at least smoothen the burning sensation in my throat but alas it doesn't help one bit.. Boss asked me whether i'm fine or not and i told him a lie. I said i can manage and i'm fine. But i'm not fine at all. I can faint any moment but still i tolerated while cold sweat broke out from my fore head.

In the evenings, i was feeling really hungry but had no apetite and then he came online. I was wondering why was he still not online at this hour. It was almost 8pm then.. told him that he's friends were all around at Azure and of course told him that i missed him alot. I always do.. can't seem to shake him off my mind. He went offline for about 10 mins and came online again saying that he's angry about the stuffs i wrote on my blog yesterday. Of course i apologised cause i'm being really foolish to be mad about stuffs like games = =" .. and so he's not angry! =D

Continued to watch that drama "Hot Shot" coughing all the time but of course i DID cover my mouth while doing so = =" .. Untill suddenly i coughed so hard that my chest burns and i felt blood gushing up from my chest touches my throat and to my mouth. I didn't dare to uncover my mouth at all because there were customers that were leaving and wanted to pay. I waved to them to wait awhile with one hand and rushed to the toilet. Closed the door looked at the mirror and removed my hand. "Blood... wtf" were the words i whispered to myself. Indeed the palm of my hands were covered with little splurts of blood here and there. To ensure that it wasn't my imagination i spitted into the basin, true enough, blood clots can be seen. Because there were customers still waiting, i quickly washed my hands and mouth and went out to serve them. They saw me looking pale and they joked, "See ghost in toilet izzit?" I tried to laugh but sound rather funny "Haha ya lo .." I said and they went off.

And then he came. He bought duck rice for me! I loved the duck rice he bought for me.. I was super hungry, But i had no apetite.. I couldn't eat.. even drinking or swallowing my own saliva is enough pain for me.. My chest feels like a microwave oven itself.. But i don't feel like wasting the food he bought.. So i ate a little.. forced myself to finish up the meat and egg and throw away the rice. I'm sorry beibei.. I tried..

He brought he's helmet.. And i do want to stay over at Azure tonight..But i can't.. My body don't allow me.. I feel bad that i had to go home and rest instead of accompanying him. I want to be with him.. But i'm hurting so much that i can barely tolerate it anymore. So i told him that i will be going home tonight. Though he looked a little disappointed..But he knows that i'm not feeling well and suggested me to go home and rest too. Thanks and sorry beibei..

Was drinking water earlier on after i came out from the bathroom and i coughed while drinking. I tried to control but i still coughed. Put the cup down and coughed for a lil while more and was about to continue drinking when i noticed that small clots of blood can be seen floating on the surface of the water. Agitated i threw the cup across the floor and my granny woke up asking me whats wrong. I lied to her that i saw a cockroach flew past and then she laughed and went back to sleep. It's my favorite cup that broke.. but i didn't cry because of it. I cry because i don't know what the hell is wrong with me.. I cry because i'm afraid.. I cry because i don't want anything to happen to me.. Not right now.. Not when i've finally found the ray of light that i've been looking for ever since i was cast into the pits of hell.

I'm almost there.. Almost climbed out of the pit.. I don't wanna give up .. i don't wanna concede.. I've never been so afraid.. Never been so shaken.. It's 7 yrs from now isn't it.. He won't lie to me.. I won't believe it.. I won't face it.. I don't wanna admit it! I guess i gotta visit my doctor soon.. and what ever that lies ahead of me.. I'm brave enough to face it.. Not because i'm strong.. It's because if it's him that's standing next to me.. I can face anything.. Even death itself.. For he's my courage.. My everything .. and the main reason .. why my heart is beating.