Wednesday, September 24, 2008
♥ Arghh !
I think something's definately wrong with me. I just can't seem to fall asleep. I just don't know what the hell am i thinking. All these stuffs circulating themselves within my mind. Tried to fall asleep earlier on but guess what? I closed my eyes, tried to force myself to sleep but end up wide awake instead. Went down to the park to walk for abit hoping that i'll get tired so that i can fall asleep as soon as possible when i reach home. Took a bath using shower cream with lavender but you know what? I end up being so wide awake that i'm here now typing in this blog of mine when i was supposed to be sleeping like 2 hrs ago. No wonder i'm having those awful dark eye circles now. Arghh! ..
I used to think that nightmares only occur in dreams when one is sleeping. Haunts only occur in dreams scaring you and making you break out in cold sweat. But i happen to change my mind now. A living nightmare.. The haunting past. Well, i'm not complaining or what, because my life is already totally messed up. Already a living nightmare, already a total disaster. It's like i'm being thrown into the pits of hell ever since i was born. There were different colored rays of light shining from above. Whenever i tried to climb and was able to reach and grab hold of those lights, i just slipped and fell back into the darkness again. Numerous times i've tried, countless times i've told myself that it would be ok and that this time i'll get hold of it and will finally be free. But i just fell deeper instead. Hopes... I heard alot of stories, seen alot of movies but, it's not in my dictionary, unfortunately.
Let bygones be bygones. Easier said then done. Alot of stuffs are like that. We happen to say and think that it's gonna be that way. Things will go like how we want them to be. Well, i wouldn't say EVERYTHING but.. for me.. EVERYTHING IS WRONG. The things that i want don't come. But stuffs that i tried to avoid came instead. What exactly wrong with my fate i wonder. But, it's no use complaining. I've quite got used to it actually. So it's not really a big deal to me now that i'm this big already.
I used to hate my mom when i was little. Hating her for bringing me into this world, hating her to make me feel so unloved. I remember when i was young, whenever i have those parent meeting sessions in schools, my granny came instead of my dad who was obsessed with gambling even till now. Classmates always asked me why didn't your parents come. Ya right, bragging that your parents is here and i only have my grandmother. I admit i used to hate those people alot. I know it's wrong to hate them only because of that. But i was jealous and i envy them so much that i almost have the urge to strangle every single one of them = =" I know i sound like a freak but it's the truth. There were no P.E lessons for me at all when i was in school. I loved all those stuffs that they do during the lessons but i was left out every single time. Frail body .. what to do. Classmates always teased me that i'm weak and i can't do any sports. Friends often held badminton, swimming, Bastketball, netball outings and everytime i said i wanna join. They just replied "You come for what? You oso cannot play waste slot only."
It hurt alot at first. But gradually i got used to it and everything became numb. Huge gates starting to shield themselves around the place which holds my deepest thoughts. I have met a lot of friends throughout my whole life. But they're just like those water vapors. Evaporated so fast that i can't even remember their faces after awhile. That's one of the reasons that i didn't even bother to get a phone. I just don't have that many friends to contact. I'm better off alone but i admit at times, like recently i really a need a listening ear or i'll go berserk.
XiaoMing is always there to listen to me, he said "I might not know what your going through, I might not be able to feel because i'm not the one experiencing it. But i'm here to lend you a listening ear so that you won't bottle up all your feelings and end up exploding." I don't normally cry in front of people. But that few nights when i talked to him hoping that someone would at least listen to me, i cried like the world is going end. It ended for me when i thought i had finally felt the warmth from the ray of light that i had grabbed hold onto but realizing it was just another illusion afterall. Naive me. I'm really thankful that he listened to me if not i think i'll most probably still be a walking zombie right now. No doubt the best buddy that i've ever had. Infact, i would say, he's the only buddy i have.
Omfg, i'm still so wide awake after typing so much. Sucks indeed. = =" i barely slept like 5 hours everyday. This is so not going to work and i must stop it! Easier said then done. I know.. It's hard to amend something when ur so used to it. Time is soon running out. I know myself how much time i've left and I wonder.. How long .. will it last.. These sleepless nights of mine ...
I used to think that nightmares only occur in dreams when one is sleeping. Haunts only occur in dreams scaring you and making you break out in cold sweat. But i happen to change my mind now. A living nightmare.. The haunting past. Well, i'm not complaining or what, because my life is already totally messed up. Already a living nightmare, already a total disaster. It's like i'm being thrown into the pits of hell ever since i was born. There were different colored rays of light shining from above. Whenever i tried to climb and was able to reach and grab hold of those lights, i just slipped and fell back into the darkness again. Numerous times i've tried, countless times i've told myself that it would be ok and that this time i'll get hold of it and will finally be free. But i just fell deeper instead. Hopes... I heard alot of stories, seen alot of movies but, it's not in my dictionary, unfortunately.
Let bygones be bygones. Easier said then done. Alot of stuffs are like that. We happen to say and think that it's gonna be that way. Things will go like how we want them to be. Well, i wouldn't say EVERYTHING but.. for me.. EVERYTHING IS WRONG. The things that i want don't come. But stuffs that i tried to avoid came instead. What exactly wrong with my fate i wonder. But, it's no use complaining. I've quite got used to it actually. So it's not really a big deal to me now that i'm this big already.
I used to hate my mom when i was little. Hating her for bringing me into this world, hating her to make me feel so unloved. I remember when i was young, whenever i have those parent meeting sessions in schools, my granny came instead of my dad who was obsessed with gambling even till now. Classmates always asked me why didn't your parents come. Ya right, bragging that your parents is here and i only have my grandmother. I admit i used to hate those people alot. I know it's wrong to hate them only because of that. But i was jealous and i envy them so much that i almost have the urge to strangle every single one of them = =" I know i sound like a freak but it's the truth. There were no P.E lessons for me at all when i was in school. I loved all those stuffs that they do during the lessons but i was left out every single time. Frail body .. what to do. Classmates always teased me that i'm weak and i can't do any sports. Friends often held badminton, swimming, Bastketball, netball outings and everytime i said i wanna join. They just replied "You come for what? You oso cannot play waste slot only."
It hurt alot at first. But gradually i got used to it and everything became numb. Huge gates starting to shield themselves around the place which holds my deepest thoughts. I have met a lot of friends throughout my whole life. But they're just like those water vapors. Evaporated so fast that i can't even remember their faces after awhile. That's one of the reasons that i didn't even bother to get a phone. I just don't have that many friends to contact. I'm better off alone but i admit at times, like recently i really a need a listening ear or i'll go berserk.
XiaoMing is always there to listen to me, he said "I might not know what your going through, I might not be able to feel because i'm not the one experiencing it. But i'm here to lend you a listening ear so that you won't bottle up all your feelings and end up exploding." I don't normally cry in front of people. But that few nights when i talked to him hoping that someone would at least listen to me, i cried like the world is going end. It ended for me when i thought i had finally felt the warmth from the ray of light that i had grabbed hold onto but realizing it was just another illusion afterall. Naive me. I'm really thankful that he listened to me if not i think i'll most probably still be a walking zombie right now. No doubt the best buddy that i've ever had. Infact, i would say, he's the only buddy i have.
Omfg, i'm still so wide awake after typing so much. Sucks indeed. = =" i barely slept like 5 hours everyday. This is so not going to work and i must stop it! Easier said then done. I know.. It's hard to amend something when ur so used to it. Time is soon running out. I know myself how much time i've left and I wonder.. How long .. will it last.. These sleepless nights of mine ...
5:47:00 AM
